Thursday, November 29, 2012

Say "Crunk" again. I dare you. I double-dare you

Hot Topic finally has its own R.Kelly, a villain who loves to hate himself, who returns our scornful gaze with an eager mirror   August Brown, L.A. Times Music Blog "Pop & Hiss"

Time to revisit Brokencyde, just in time for the holidaze and the release of  "Best of BC13" ... which is  a misogynistic, bukkake spooge fest  of "Albucrazy, Hot Topic screamo", designed to rankle the sensitive sensibilities of sensible folks, who may not otherwise give a fuck! and to separate some more suckers from their hard earned dollars. Seventeen delightful tracks from these Albuquerque gangsta poseurs  shamelessly fronting about pussy they've never had and a libertine scene that they're not really a part of.

AWWW WAIT HOLD UP!... WAIT A MINUTE!, wouldn't "BEST OF"  imply that this shit is actually good?

It would and it isn't..... What you really have  (all in one neat package)  is a crap fest of attention grabs guaranteed to make someone threaten to kick your ass if you play them too loud. (available at iTunes, Best Buy and other distros with low standards and no qualms about selling shit like this)

Love 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, they're not going away just yet. There are no grey areas with Brokencyde, you either hate them or despise them. This inane vomitorium of crunk and chunks isn't something that's going to grow on you without some effort.

the absence of evidence, is not the evidence of absence

Here's a lyrical sampler from BC13, yo! ...."I'm a celebrity baby, Brokencyde is my crew..Hand me the forty ounce! Let's get crunk in the club, cuz you make my pee pee hard, shake it mommy give it to me and I'll teach you how to scream. Freaxxx and scenez girlz at da house party sipping on 40oz. and we're still the kings, let me see you pop and lock it,  schizzo.. always go hard with the sex toyz and you'll have them squealing like a pig... bree,bree! let's get these bottles poppin' like they came with no caps, hofosho... eenie meenie, minee, moe... No matter where we go, I got them hoes all over me.

Hey chicken chokers!, a hoe is a farming implement,  I guess we still need crotch grabbing gobstoppers like Brokencyde to balance out all that's good in the world. "Mongo only pawn in the game of life" even despicable life forms such as cockroaches and rats have a place in the grand scheme of things. Mongo, in his right mind...  would crush the spleen right out of these lint lickers. 

Their first album (I'm Not a Fan but the Kids Like It) was designed to provoke and infuriate anyone and everyone within earshot. I'm Not a Fan, debuted at #87 on the Billboard Top 200 album chart. They set out to do the same with their second album (Will Never Die) which was a flaccid dismissive effort that basically repeated everything on the first album and yet it debuted at #86, selling 6,000 copies in the first week alone.   

Perhaps sensing that they aren't getting any younger, their third album went in a slightly different direction, "Guilty Pleasure" was anything but and hardcore fans declared that Brokencyde had sold out. More crunk less core and fewer screamed vocals. Predictable motherfuckers, can't even get that right.

They now have the life expectancy of a fruit fly, but they do get the last laugh on the critics that panned them, as they roll wheel barrows full of cash money to the bank. For all the ridicule that these guys get heaped on them, they have been successful, maybe more so than any other musical group to ever come out of Albuquerque not named The Shins. 

Against all odds the protagonists, David Gallegos (Se7en) Julian McLellan (Phat J, he's actually sorta fat) Michael Shea (Mikl) and Anthony Trujillo (Antz, who according to Wikipedia operates the fog machine?) have persevered in the face of overwhelming critical lambasting.  In fact they seem to feed off the barbs and slings thrown at them and flip the bird right back at ya'

Los Angeles Times music writer, August Brown is the authority on BC13, having actually written about them in serious tones that would suggest that they have some sort of redeeming value. Brown is a failed actor "who's ideal band would probably be Kraftwerk fronted by Nina Simone, with Dr.Dre as the 5th mensch machine" That's just his way of saying that he's weird in a strange way or strange in a weird way. 

On the subject of Brokencyde he writes, "This 'Albucrazy'-based band has done for MySpace emo what some think Soulja Boy did for hip-hop: turn their career into a kind of macro-performance art that exists so far beyond the tropes of irony and sincerity that to ask 'are they kidding?' is like trying to peel an onion to get to a perceived central core that, in the end, does not exist and renders all attempts to reassemble the pieces futile"

C'mon Man! dumb it down, macro performance my ass... these chuckleheads are as pre-fab as N-Sync or The Backstreet Boys. Brokencyde is Albuquerque's version of Menudo, just targeted at a slutty and sleazy pre-teen demographic that most boy bands stay clear of. 

Se7en, Mikl & Phat J didn't just stumble their way to success. They occupy a niche, deftly carved out by their management company. Brokencyde is a diabolical twist on an old formula, but they're only close approximations of the real thing, they ain't gangsta, they are wanksta.  

Expatriate 'Burque blogger Samara Alpern said about Brokencyde,  "This is you Albuquerque"  A thought somewhat echoed by August Brown. In effect they both imply that Brokencyde is merely a mirror that reflects who we are (or would wish to be) Maybe so, but they're not getting a key to the city from Mayor Marty Chavez (and yes!, he's always the Mayor)