Radio Radio
Recently, Mark Davis who worked for
Kmart from the late 1980s to the early '1990s, uploaded over 60
hours of pre-recorded music sent in from the corporate office on
cassette tapes. Kmart radio (KMRT) featured an MOR format designed
to comfort customers as they browsed through the store's array of
discounted goods. It's mostly muzak interspersed with soft rock songs
from that era and in-store announcements. Nonetheless, it's a
fascinating find for radio heads such as myself. A veritable time
capsule of sorts. Mark Davis, for no apparent reason, had the
foresight to save over 56 tapes from the trash heap. Years later,
Davis converted them into digital files and posted them at Internet
Archives where they were met with far more fanfare than he could ever
have imagined. https://archive.org/details/attentionkmartshoppers
Canned music in stores is nothing new,
it's been around forever. Walmart has come full circle with in-store
music. Originally (like everyone else) they went with canned music.
In the early 1990s Walmart Radio was created as a reliable means of
broadcasting important information directly into stores. It evolved
to include a morning show hosted by consummate radio pro Terry Berry,
the original Walmart Radio legend. However staying true to its policy
of “constantly changing things to keep those fuckers on their
toes” In 2009 Walmart ditched Walmart Radio instructing stores to
play cds' instead. (Terry Berry was long gone at this point) This
led to lazy store managers looping the same music over and over....
usually Celine Dion, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber or some other
inoffensive white bread schmucks. The complaints from associates
(most customers are blissfully unaware of the overhead music) came
hot and heavy.
This even led to a puppet character
named Willie Sellmore (Will He Sell More?) joking to Walmart head
honchos at the annual shareholders meeting in Bentonville that “One
of my fellow associates recently developed a serious eye-tic from
hearing Céline Dion’s greatest hits on loop in our stores.” Ever
eager to appease a workforce perpetually threatening to organize a
union. Walmart reinstated Walmart Radio. A nationwide talent search
to find two associates to serve as morning radio hosts was announced
with over 500 cheesy videos submitted from across the country and the
two men (sorry ladies, you were shut out) deemed the least offensive
of the bunch were selected to become the new voices of Wallyworld.
The lucky fuckers were Bo Woloszyn an innocuous bald white guy from
Meadville, Pa. and Antonio Williams, an African-American co-manager
from Frisco, Tx.
Antonio is inoffensive, not totally
lacking in talent and believe it or not when he's in the groove, he
spins some killer tunes. Bo plays the straight man, makes
announcements and comes off as bland as mashed taters without salt or
pepper. The nadir of the Morning show comes when Bo & Antonio
muster up a shitload of phony cheeriness and lead the Walmart morning
cheer, which in stores, usually follows the reading of daily sales
numbers. “Give me a W-A-L-M-A-R-T,” with the rest of the people
in the room shouting back the same letter. It's pure cornball,
inspired by a trip Sam and Helen Walton made to a filthy tennis ball
factory in South Korea. Between the L and the M...... Bo musters up
all the personality he can find and yells “Give me a squiggly!”
at which point I'm sure Antonio does a butt wiggle. So Help me, Sam.
It's corny as hell... but the faithful eat it up.
The entire charade ends with an
emphatic chant of “Who's Walmart is this?” to which the now
frothing associates yell back “My Walmart!” They should just
hand out amphetamine pills at the start of every shift. Wash them
down with those Little Hugs fruit drinks that Walmart sells by the
millions. Not all stores do the cheer anymore, mainly because it
scares the shit out of customers. All in all, Walmart radio isn't
that bad. It's a carefully formatted station that mixes Contemporary
Hit radio with the that old format warhorse, Good Time Oldies....
sprinkled with just enough country music hits to keep the redneck
associates happy. No actual commercials are played, just Walmart ads
and friendly reminders designed to keep associates productive and
focused. Walmart has licensed tons of music since the days of
Walmart Music, so the playlist varies more than that of your average
“Hot mix” station. Plenty of hit songs, lots of Beatles, Stones,
classic rock, classic oldies and what have you.
Do you have any idea how surreal it is
to hear “Sold in a market down in New Orleans, Scarred old slaver
know he's doin' alright, Hear him whip the women just around
midnight” played overhead in a Walmart at 3a.m.? It gives me the
whammy. I still say that the song selections are meant to carry a
subliminal message. The Beatles “Don't Let Me Down” plays at
crunch time, just as associates are struggling to complete their
daily tasks. “When Will I Be Loved” kicks in just after that
(I've been cheated, been mistreated) Paul Revere's “Hungry” comes
on right before the lunch break and The Guess Who's “No Time”
just as the lunch hour comes to a close. Invariably associates will
call in with requests for “Proud Mary” ..... “Workin' for the
man ev'ry night and day and I never lost one minute of sleepin'
worryin' 'bout the way things might have been” or “Working in a
Coalmine”.... “Five o'clock in the mornin' I'm already up and
gone Lord, I'm so tired How long can this go on?”
The second time I heard Larry from
Vernon, store # 3229 in the Great state of Texas call in to request
“Neon Moon” It dawned on me that dedications are pre-recorded and
carefully screened. During Terry Berry's days, associates abused the
request line by sending out mean spirited shout outs.... “Splish
Splash” for that associate with a body odor problem. Weird Al's
“Eat It” for that grossly obese assistant manager. Oh! that's
classic. Walmart Radio's daily broadcast is pre-recorded. I suppose
that Bo and Antonio's show is live, though it's hard to tell. Either
way, Bo and Antonio broadcast to a captive audience that radio
advertising salesmen would die for. (5,000 stores and clubs, 1.5
million associates) Sweet Jesus on the cross, that's just in the
U.S. No terrestrial radio station broadcasting today can even come
close to matching those numbers.
Hello!... this is Eager Beaver from
ghetto Walmart, store #831, Albuquerque N.M. And I'd like to request
I Wanna Fuck you Like an Animal..... err!, Closer by Nine Inch Nails
and dedicate it to that shorty in Meats & Dairy, she's the spicy
Tapatio meatball of my dreams..... Hello? Oh, they cut me off. I
wonder why they cut me off?..... Hello?, they keep cutting me off,
someone answers but they keep cutting me off ..... Hello?
